Grocery shopping as a kid can suck. Like Tantalus, you pass within reach of all the candy you could ever dream of, only to be whisked away at the last moment to the god forsaken toiletries section. But somewhere in the midst gathering the milk, vegetables and other tedious essentials, you are thrust into a world of artificial rainbows and semi-deranged anthropomorphic mascots. I’m talking of course about the cereal aisle.
Although the journey through this magical corridor often ended with a consolation prize of Raisin Bran or Special K, there were those rarified days when mom let you go for one of the heavy hitters: Froot Loops. Cookie Crisp. Lucky Charms. Fruity and/or Cocoa Pebbles. And like any team of all-stars, there is only one MVP, one brand that represents the high-water mark in cereal achievement: Reese’s Puffs. Getting the green light to chuck a box of Reese’s Puffs into the shopping cart was on par with winning the lottery. It also inspired what many consider to be the GOAT of cereal commercials:
But these days as I walk down this once familiar aisle, I have never felt older. It seems like they pump out some absurd new product with each passing day. And as I gaze in awe at these cereals of the 21st century, I can’t help but wonder: is it the cereal that has changed… or is it me? Here are the power rankings of top five cereals seen in Super Food Town that broke my brain.
5. Cap’n Crunch’s Oops! All Berries
Yes, I know that Oops! All Berries has been a thing since back in the day. The only reason it’s making this list is that I am shocked it’s still allowed to be in production. It’s a well-documented fact that crunchberries cut up the rooves of kids mouths so severely that just looking at the box is PTSD inducing. And that’s just the normal crunchberries cereal. Take out the innocuous peanut butter bits and replace them with more colorful balls of pain, and Oops! All Berries might as well be one of the instruments of torture devised by the dude in Saw. I’m 99% sure the only reason they even put the “oops” on there was as a last ditch legal defense against kids whose palates their product took a machete to. Fix it, Cap’n. How many more bloodstained breakfasts are needed for you to see the light?
4. Sour Patch Kids Cereal
In the words of Derek Zoolander, (whisper) What. Is. This? Is there even a possibility that this isn’t terrible? How did someone have the gall to write this idea on a napkin, let alone release it into stores nationwide? Most importantly, who asked for this? If I wanted to wake up to a hearty bowl of sour cereal I would do it the old-fashioned way and just use the milk that’s been sitting in my fridge for five months. What is going on at Post that this somehow got through every stage of evaluation and ended up on the shelves? All it took was one person to go “hey guys, this is actually really fucking dumb,” and that might have been the end of it. Alas, yes men rule the day, and we’re stuck with a product that seems like something from an All That sketch.
Both of the next two entries support my theory that the way cereal companies come up with new ideas is by locking two guys in a room with a bunch of cereals, a gallon of milk, bowls, spoons, and an ounce of weed. And then they let the magic happen:
Guy 1: “Dude, these lucky charms are off the chain”
Guy 2: “Yeah man charms are up there, but let’s be real frosted flakes are the goat”
Guy 1: “Nah dude, flakes aren’t bringing eight magical marshmallows to the table”
Guy 2: “Dude, what if you had lucky charms, but instead of the lame little rando pieces there were, like, frosted flakes instead”
Guy 1: “Dude.”
General Mills: “Here’s ten million dollars”
3. Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes
Guy 1: “Ok that was a sick idea but I think I can top it”
Guy 2: “No way dude”
Guy 1: “Dude just hear me out”
Guy 2: “Aight go ahead bro”
Guy 1: “Ok so you know how cinnamon toast crunch are, like, squares?”
Guy 2: “Duh dude, the taste I can see”
Guy 1: “So what if instead of squares they made them so they were, like, mini cinnamon churros?”
Guy 2: “Dude…”
General Mills: “Mother of god.”
2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros
Side note: these were the only two of the five that I actually tried. The churros were honestly fucking incredible and now every time I see them in the store I get a bit of the Tyrone Biggums itch thing going on. As for the frosted charms, as I was buying them the cashier did a double take so massive she almost snapped her neck, leading to a three-minute conversation that I’m pretty sure is going to blossom into a lifelong friendship.
1. Chocolate Lucky Charms with Magical Unicorn Marshmallows
Like something from a crack-induced fever dream. Jesus there’s a lot going on here. More than anything, I think this product is emblematic of where we are today as a society. Back in the day, a few marshmallows and a charm-grubbing leprechaun were enough to draw the eye of a passing youth. Now? Nothing short of chocolate magical unicorn acid trip insanity can get these ADD addled kids to rip their faces away from their iPads for more than two seconds. And don’t think the trend is going to stop here. Fifty years from now you’ll be pushing your hovering shopping cart along when you pass by a box of Lucky Charms Now With LED Rainbow Neon Strobe Light Marshmallows That Explode In Your Mouth And Also Talk To You And Please Just Take Off The VR Headset And BUY THIS THING PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. And like an old softie, you’ll chuckle as you reach for a box of good old-fashioned Reese’s Puffs. Hey, some things never change.
blogging2electricboogaloo.com 
totally agree. reeses 4 lyfe.
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